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Understanding
Differences By:
Bradley Coates The
University of Hawaii Press will publish a second edition of my
award-winning book, “Divorce with Decency: The Complete How-To Handbook
and Survivor’s Guide to the Legal, Emotional, Economic, and Social
Issues” later this year. Accordingly, I spent much of last year revising
and fully updating the text. One area I
wanted to emphasize is the basic biological differences between men and
women, especially as they impact each gender’s thought processes and
communication styles and their way of relating to one another. If my
clients and readers can better understand these issues, it may give them a
better shot at solving some of the many problems which inevitably arise in
marriages and other relationships. I have
found two excellent books to be particularly illuminating on this issue.
The first is so well-known that it has achieved near legendary status: Dr.
John Gray’s, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The other
is a less well-known but equally insightful book, Why Men Don’t
Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps,
by Barbara and Allan Pease. The Pease book is more “science-based” and
focuses upon the neurology of the human brain and on evolutionary biology. The
following admittedly over-simplified and generalized synopsis outlines
many of the Peases’ findings regarding key biological differences
between the genders. MENTAL
DIFFERENCES A woman’s
brain has more of a crucial connective tissue called corpus callosum, which increases the connections between her left
and right brain hemispheres by 30 percent over males. Women’s brains are
configured for multi-tasking and can do several unrelated things at the
same time. Women tend to think out loud, often in a multi-track, indirect,
emotive fashion. They are great talkers. They need and love to talk. If a
woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. If she’s not talking to
you, you’re in trouble. A man’s
smaller corpus callosum means
that he is less able to perform multiple functions simultaneously. In
particular, his emotions are less likely to operate simultaneously with
other functions. Men maintain a more direct, single-minded focus. Men
speak less, often talking silently to themselves. Women’s
emotion centers are spread widely throughout both her brain hemispheres.
Men’s emotions are limited to two primary areas, located in his right
hemisphere. Women have
specific areas for speech and language located on both sides of their
brains. Men use primarily their left brain for language, speech and
vocabulary. Women have
dominant verbal, organizational, multi-tasking and communication skills.
Men have strong spacial ability (evolved from skills required for hunters
chasing animals). The left
side of young girls’ brains develops more rapidly. This means girls will
start speaking earlier than boys. A 3-year-old girl has twice the
vocabulary of 3-year-old boy and it is 100 percent comprehensible. Boys
develop the right side of their brain faster than girls. This gives boys
better spatial, logical and perceptual skills. They see in three
dimensions and are better at video games ... this, despite their limited
brain locations for speech. Men have
around 4 billion more brain cells than women, but women rate 3 percent
higher in general intelligence than men, despite having slightly smaller
brains. Girls do
better and faster. In school, they succeed in language, English and the
arts. Boys do better at math, science, building, puzzles, problem solving,
reading maps and navigation. Boys who are good at math outnumber girls by
13 to 1. DIFFERENT
VALUES Female
awareness is focused on communication, cooperation, harmony, love, sharing
and our relationship to one another. Male awareness is concerned with
getting results, achieving goals, status and power, beating the
competition and getting efficiently to the bottom line. Women
define their own self-worth by the quality of their relationships, whereas
men define themselves by their work and accomplishments. Girls like
people. Girls’ brains are wired to respond to people and faces. Boys
like things. Boys’ brains respond to objects and their shapes. Women value
relationships and talk when stressed. Men value work, hate to be wrong and
clam up when stressed. They also love to “hang with the boys”, tend to
hide their emotions and hate advice. Women love shopping, are faithful,
fall “out” of love, can’t separate love from sex. Men hate shopping,
are promiscuous, fall “in” love and easily separate sex from love. Women need
monogamy and use first names (“Mitzie Dearest”) to increase closeness.
Men avoid commitment and use nicknames (“Hey butthead...yes, you,
numbskull”) to avoid intimacy. Women like people and cooperate. Men like
things and compete. Seventy to
80 percent of women say the most important priority is their families.
Seventy to 80 percent of men say that the most important part of their
lives is their work. Eighty
percent of relationships are ended by women. Ninety percent of affairs are
initiated by men. Bradley
A. Coates, J.D., has been a practicing divorce attorney in Honolulu for
over 25 years. He has been selected as Honolulu’s Best Divorce Lawyer
and is the founder of Coates & Frey, Hawaii’s largest family law
firm. Mr. Coates wrote an award
winning book entitled, “Divorce with Decency: The Complete How-To
Handbook and Survivor’s Guide to the Legal, Emotional, Economic, and
Social Issues.” |
